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Wilderness Canoeing is Bad for
your Health
by : Richard Munn
Yes, I know ... you've always felt that wilderness canoeing is a
healthy activity. The outdoor types who paddle our
wilderness areas are all robust, strong, hearty types who are
the very picture of good health. They spend long hours in
the fresh air, getting above-average levels of exercise from
paddling into headwinds and portaging heavy packs and canoes
from lake to lake.
I hate to disillusion you. I've been doing some research
and have found out the the potential for dangerous and serious
medical conditions far outweighs any benefits that may result
from the fresh air and exercise.
Preposterous you say? I'm sorry, but my research has been
detailed and meticulous. I have scoured back issues of the
most prestigious medical journals and it is on the basis of this
data that I have formed this thesis.
Still doubtful? Read on and like me, you'll be discouraged
to find out that we're killing ourselves by engaging in this
activity. This is just a small sample of the serious
medical conditions I've found that are directly attributable to
canoeing.
GNS
(Gawker's Neck Syndrome)
A potentially serious spinal problem caused by repetitive
twisting of the neck. It is the result of the continual
turning of the head while driving to gawk at every creek, lake
and river that sits adjacent to the highway to gauge their
potential as a possible canoe route. It is also worth noting
that canoeists have a statistically higher than average
incidence of involvement in head-on collisions, since they are
always looking at water levels in waterways along the road
instead of watching for oncoming traffic.
TF
(Terminal Flatulence)
Caused by over-consumption of packaged dehydrated meals with
high levels of beans and grains. There is also a theory
(unproven) that this condition is exacerbated by the speed with
which canoeists eat their meal, due in part to the fact that
they are always hungry, and also because they have to wolf down
their food before they are completely eaten by mosquitoes and
blackflies.
CIIV
(Chef Interference Induced Violence)
A psychological condition in which a normally peaceful person
will suddenly snap and commit a violent act upon another.
The condition seems to occur when a person is designated chef or
food-preparer for the evening, and cannot cope with the
persistent interference of the other paddlers, who hover around
like vultures, asking over and over when supper will be ready.
The worst cases seem to take place in situations where the
paddlers are continually reaching over the shoulder of the chef
and sneaking bites of the food during the preparation process.
FRC
(Fear Related Constipation)
A debilitating condition which affects those who are afraid to
take the nighttime trek back in the bush to answer nature's call
due to fear of being eaten by bears, wolves or other local
wildlife.
SPBLS
(Spring Paddling Blood Loss Syndrome)
An affliction affecting those paddlers who simply cannot wait
out the spring blackfly season before their first trip.
Clinical measurements have yielded absolute proof that those who
paddle in peak fly season have blood volume levels up to 20%
lower than the rest of the population.
BFICE
(Blood Flow Induced Cranial Enlargement)
An serious condition manifested by gradual cranial (head)
enlargement. The theorized cause of this problem is sleeping on
sloping ground with the head at the low end of the Thermarest.
Not seen much in the prairie provinces or the barren lands,
where all ground is flat, but a common and serious affliction in
other parts of the country.
SIH
(Snoring-Induced Homicide)
Obviously not a disease or syndrome, but still a serious risk
factor for paddlers. Statistics compiled by life-insurance
companies show a 30% higher risk of death by homicide among tent
partners where one person snores and the other doesn't.
Watch for a question about this to appear soon on life insurance
medical questionnaires.
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