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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for canadian
PostPosted: February 29th, 2016, 9:04 am 
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MORE BLONDE JOKES

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Tracking and identifying wildlife in the office parking lot.

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BLONDE DIVORCE COURT

A judge was questioning a blonde woman regarding her pending divorce and asked, "Ma'am, I understand this is a very trying time for you and I'll be respectful considering the sensitive nature of divorce proceedings. Could you tell me - what are the grounds for your divorce?"

"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."

The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yep. Both my son and daughter have stereo sets, not the best. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes sir, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."

The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?"

"Hell, no! He's as white as you and me!"

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me!"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for canadian
PostPosted: March 2nd, 2016, 12:08 pm 
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This 1 is more in the category of 'Jokes fer Muricans"

Trump's First Night In the White House

The Donald is elected president....

On the first night he spends in the White House, he is visited by the ghost of George Washington.

He asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie."

He says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."

The next night, he is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson.

He asks him, "Thomas, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of Thomas Jefferson responds, "Do not bully the people."

He says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."

On the third night, he is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.

He asks him, "Abraham, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of Abraham Lincoln responds, "Go see a play."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for canadian
PostPosted: March 7th, 2016, 10:19 am 
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If you've been a little disappointed by how public money's being spent there days, here's an interesting map showing who gets the big bucks in the states. My guess it's pretty much the same in Canada although sports might not be where the money goes. What would Rob Ford say about the gravy train? No wonder he started swearing and using dangerous drugs.


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More below in 40 maps that explain the world, age at first intercourse is interesting...

http://twistedsifter.com/2013/08/maps-t ... the-world/

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for canadian
PostPosted: March 10th, 2016, 8:40 am 
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Donald Trump addressed a major gathering of the American Indian Nation. He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living. Though vague in detail, he spoke about his ideas for helping his "red sisters and brothers."

Afterwards, the Tribes presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, "Walking Eagle", which he proudly accepted.

After Trump left, a news reporter asked the chiefs how they came to select this name. They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of it that it can no longer fly.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for canadian
PostPosted: March 10th, 2016, 6:36 pm 
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Posts: 494
I Just Realized Something:

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup and again during the year, if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a king and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks ~


MY dog is a DEMOCRAT!!!


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for canadian
PostPosted: March 11th, 2016, 8:20 pm 
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Location: Edmonton Alberta
Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting in a cafe revising his first draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I would like a cup of coffee please. No cream." the waitress replies, "I'm sorry sir, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for canadian
PostPosted: March 12th, 2016, 10:10 am 
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Image



http://bizarro.com/comics/february-18-2016/

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for canadian
PostPosted: March 13th, 2016, 11:38 am 
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No proof that these wives writing to Dear Abby were blonde. It seems that Abby never wrote back since this is the sort of thing that's often followed by stunned silence.

--------------------------------------


Dear Abby:

I have a husband that I can't trust. Although he denies it, he probably cheats all the time. I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.




Dear Abby:

I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, what should I do. When confronted with the evidence, he denied everything. I want to believe him since he said it would never happen again.




Dear Abby:

Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy
who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own religion?




Dear Abby:

I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know
he drank until one night he came home sober.




Dear Abby:

You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in
sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in
me and he is a doctor. So what do I do now?

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for canadian
PostPosted: March 18th, 2016, 7:42 am 
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Happy birthday!!


Attachments:
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Ikea.jpg [ 49.85 KiB | Viewed 2002 times ]

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for canadian
PostPosted: March 18th, 2016, 4:23 pm 
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CBC NEWS REPORT - Crisis at the Canadian Border
- A Prescient Look at the Consequences of a Republican Win in November

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The Republican Presidential primary campaign is prompting an
exodus among left leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and live according to conservative ideas about the Constitution.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, global warming activists, and "green" energy proponents crossing their fields at night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota . “The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just keep coming.

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into electric cars and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies.

"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet though, and some kale chips."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and study the Constitution.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half- dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage, buying up all the Barbara Streisand c.d.'s, and renting all the Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for canadian
PostPosted: March 18th, 2016, 8:14 pm 
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ANCIENT CHINESE WISDOM


Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil! How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for losing weight?
A: If swimming good for losing weight, explain whale to me.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for canadian
PostPosted: March 23rd, 2016, 11:08 am 
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Ministry of Transportation working on those early spring roads.

Hold my beer, willya?

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for canadian
PostPosted: March 30th, 2016, 10:22 am 
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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for canadian
PostPosted: March 30th, 2016, 6:23 pm 
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After my prostate exam and the doctor had left the room, the nurse came in. As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear.




She said: “Who was that...?”


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for canadian
PostPosted: March 31st, 2016, 7:46 am 
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Something to think about next time some guy wants to lead the Country without a plan.

"PowerLineBlog” recently held a competition for $100,000 for whomever could most effectively and creatively dramatize the significance of the federal debt crisis, since the Trudeau Liberals took over. Several entries have gotten a lot of attention, but the one that has gone most viral so far is ‘The Doorbell.’ If you haven't yet seen it, you may watch it here. It’s 59 seconds long, so just watch it to the end:


http://www.ntrc.info/doorbell.html ……………………. OUCH ! ! !


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