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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for canadian
PostPosted: May 4th, 2016, 9:49 am 
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Just a little reminder that money cannot buy happiness but it's always more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

In the United Nations' 2016 World Happiness Report... OMG Canada finally beats Australia at something. For years Australian cities and lifestyles have been ranked higher for quality and satisfaction, now there's some sign that living well is the best revenge.

United States' happiness ranks below Canada's although still high and maybe that's because they've never had to spend time driving through Toronto.

Check p20...

http://worldhappiness.report/wp-content ... h2_web.pdf

To celebrate, and the main reason why this post in in the jokes thread, here's Weird Al's tacky parody of "Happy'.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3cnyErWJx_0

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for canadian
PostPosted: May 4th, 2016, 12:29 pm 
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frozentripper wrote:
...
"How about a quick call to the wife and kids?"

"That's no problem. Hell-to-hell is free."


-------------------


...
Another customer staring at the floor said, "Uh... I think my wife got a glimpse."

Geez, why do people hate their wives & family so much?

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for canadian
PostPosted: May 4th, 2016, 1:03 pm 
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pawistik wrote:
frozentripper wrote:
...
"How about a quick call to the wife and kids?"

"That's no problem. Hell-to-hell is free."


-------------------


...
Another customer staring at the floor said, "Uh... I think my wife got a glimpse."

Geez, why do people hate their wives & family so much?


Yeah, I would have expected the call to work to be the free one. :wink:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for canadian
PostPosted: May 6th, 2016, 10:08 am 
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Medication to help deal with chronic whiners on your next canoe trip.



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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for canadian
PostPosted: May 7th, 2016, 8:51 am 
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Best political debate ever... gotta give Bernie Sanders credit for thinking of this answer to politically-motivated hot air.

<don't be drinking or eating anything while watching this>



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LnPrxbY ... e=youtu.be

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for canadian
PostPosted: May 14th, 2016, 10:10 am 
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Terrified woman being stalked by bloodthirsty wildlife... calling the police does no good. This never would have happened in Florida where carrying handguns in public is allowed.

http://imgur.com/gallery/4lr0Yzy


PS.... if you thought some of those crosswinds and gusts from transport trucks were bad on the highway, take a look at this:

http://imgur.com/JjDeYrJ

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for canadian
PostPosted: May 14th, 2016, 11:02 am 
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She defintely needs a squirrel chucker.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fINmQ633tQ4

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for canadian
PostPosted: May 15th, 2016, 10:34 am 
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Posts: 494
On the first day, God created the dog and said, sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years. The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God said that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God again said that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch. Or maybe in a canoe!!!


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for canadian
PostPosted: May 20th, 2016, 8:10 am 
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Hillary phones Bill

------------------------


Hillary: "Hello... Bill? Is this Bill?"

Bill: "Yes, this is Bill Clinton."

Hillary: "I'll have you know I just got back from the doctor's and I'm pregnant! PREGNANT!"

Bill: "Yes?"

Hillary: "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you???!!!"

Bill: <silence>

Hillary: "DID YOU HEAR ME???!!!"

Bill: <silence>

Hillary: "DID YOU HEAR ME???!!!"

Bill: "Uh... who is this?"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for canadian
PostPosted: June 2nd, 2016, 9:33 am 
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Quote:
Stephen Hawking Angers Trump Supporters with Baffling Array of Long Words


By Andy Borowitz , May 31, 2016


LONDON (The Borowitz Report)—The theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking angered supporters of Donald J. Trump on Monday by responding to a question about the billionaire with a baffling array of long words.

Speaking to a television interviewer in London, Hawking called Trump “a demagogue who seems to appeal to the lowest common denominator,” a statement that many Trump supporters believed was intentionally designed to confuse them.

Moments after Hawking made the remark, Google reported a sharp increase in searches for the terms “demagogue,” “denominator,” and “Stephen Hawking.”

“For a so-called genius, this was an epic fail,” Trump’s campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski, said. “If Professor Hawking wants to do some damage, maybe he should try talking in English next time.”

Later in the day, Hawking attempted to clarify his remark about the presumptive Republican Presidential nominee, telling a reporter, “Trump bad man. Real bad man.”



http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz ... long-words

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for canadian
PostPosted: June 3rd, 2016, 7:50 am 
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The New Stewardess

-------------------------

A jumbo jet is flying into Atlanta International Airport, on its final approach.

The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your captain speaking. We're on our final descent. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Atlanta."

He forgets to switch off the intercom, and the whole plane can hear his conversation with his co-pilot.

The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, what are you gonna do in Atlanta?"

"Well", says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap. Then I'm gonna take that hot new stewardess with the dynamite boobs out for dinner. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and get her to strip for me. And after that, hooboy, we'll be going at it all night long!"

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisles, trying to get a look at the hot new stewardess.

While the pilot is describing his plans for the night, the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she tries to run to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's cane and falls on her face.

The old lady leans over and smiles, "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a crap first."




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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for canadian
PostPosted: June 3rd, 2016, 7:04 pm 
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A funny AND an earwig....mwahahahaha


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for canadian
PostPosted: June 7th, 2016, 8:01 am 
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Another redneck dream vacation.

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BREAKING NEWS...

Washington insiders report that Republicans will back Donald Trump's plan to build a US/Mexico wall. This is based on a historical fact - China built a wall that lasted over 2000 years and to this day, there are very few Mexicans in China.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for canadian
PostPosted: June 8th, 2016, 9:55 am 
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Bible belt evolution vs creation - new theory on why the dinosaurs disappeared.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for canadian
PostPosted: June 11th, 2016, 9:44 am 
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How tax money is spent in government (check the sunshine list).

-or-

Insight into why the Pan-American Games cost $2.5 billion, $342 million over budget as determined by the Auditor-General and yet games managers were still paid millions in performance bonuses.

-or-

Why Jose will soon be fired since operating costs are so high.


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