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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for canadian
PostPosted: June 15th, 2016, 6:54 am 
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If you're having a bad day, things could be worse.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for canadian
PostPosted: June 17th, 2016, 7:33 am 
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Location: Bancroft, Ontario Canada
A catchy little tune adding onto previous discussions here on nature deficit disorder and electronic gadget screen fixation syndrome... some of the newer inhabitants in my neighborhood have no idea how to plant a plant, how to remove weeds, how to operate a shovel (didn't take Shovel Physics 301 unfortunately), and camping is a house of horrors done on another planet.

Yup, they're...



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLpE1Pa8vvI

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for canadian
PostPosted: June 17th, 2016, 6:18 pm 
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Joined: August 11th, 2002, 7:00 pm
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Location: Sunny Wasaga Beach
You know I don't pray very often, but I have just 1 request.

My favorite singer was Prince, and now you have taken him away.But I know he's in a better place
My favorite boxer was Mohammed Ali, and now you have taken him away.But I know he's in a better place too
My favorite hockey player was Gordie Howe, and now you have taken him away.But I know he's in a better place too

My favorite politician is Donald Trump. Do you still have room in that special place for my friend Donald?

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Last edited by wotrock on June 18th, 2016, 9:05 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for canadian
PostPosted: June 17th, 2016, 7:56 pm 
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Location: Toronto Beach(es)
Bwaahahaha!!!


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for canadian
PostPosted: June 20th, 2016, 5:43 pm 
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A post has been reported and removed.

Let's keep this friendly, folks.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for canadian
PostPosted: June 20th, 2016, 6:28 pm 
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Posts: 5
Once upon a time, there was a king who wanted to go fishing.

He contacted the royal meteorologist and demanded the weather forecast for the next several hours.

The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So, the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way, he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in a very short time a huge rainstorm will hit this area. The king replied politely, “Thank you for your concern, however, I just contacted the royal meteorologist whom I hold in the highest regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional who provided me with a different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked, and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once! Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain. “So the king hired the donkey. And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government, and occupy its highest and most influential positions and for that reason the donkey has become the symbol for the Democrat party.

Thus ends your history lesson for today.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for canadian
PostPosted: June 27th, 2016, 8:40 am 
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Special effects in film... here's how they did it.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for canadian
PostPosted: June 28th, 2016, 10:59 am 
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An elderly couple was attending church services.

About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, "I just silently passed gas - what do you think I should do?"

He replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for canadian
PostPosted: July 4th, 2016, 7:25 am 
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Man and grizzly attack... not sure what the Timothy Treadwell death footage is all about but here it is nonetheless.

WARNING GRAPHIC DETAILS





https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UTJlr6xVxKc

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for canadian
PostPosted: July 4th, 2016, 7:51 am 
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Location: Bancroft, Ontario Canada
GROANER OF THE CENTURY BUT MAY BE INTERESTING FOR THOSE WHO LIKE TO TIE KNOTS.

------------------------------------

A string walks into a bar.

The bartender throws him out and yells "I don't serve skinny strings in this bar."

Another string on the street sees this and fluffs his fibers, bulks himself up with a few knots to look bigger and then walks in and orders a beer... the bartender shouts, "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?"

The string says "Yeah."

The bartender says, "So aren't you a string?"

The string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot..."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for canadian
PostPosted: July 11th, 2016, 8:36 am 
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Watch the bird's reaction to DIY home improvements... lots of cursing and swearing, be warned.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XM8aBES ... e=youtu.be

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for Canadians
PostPosted: August 3rd, 2016, 11:30 am 
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Joined: June 23rd, 2001, 7:00 pm
Posts: 3182
Location: Newmarket, Ontario Canada
A little 3 yr old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what is up. The little boy is sitting there reading a book. But about every 15 seconds or so, he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on the top of his head with his right hand.

His mother says "Billy, are you alright? You have been in here for a while."
Billy says "I'm fine mommy; I just haven't gone potty yet!"
Mother says, "okay, you can stay here for a few more minutes, but Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head? "
Billy says," Works for ketchup!"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for Canadians
PostPosted: August 17th, 2016, 7:23 am 
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Posts: 494
Kathleen Wynn, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque..

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she's finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a cheque.

Finally Kathleen Wynn gets her turn and talks for 4 hours. When she's finished, the devil informed her that there would be no charge and feel free to call Ontario anytime.

Putin goes ballistic and asks the devil why Kathleen Wynn got to call Ontario free. The devil replied, "Since Kathleen Wynn became Premier of Ontario, the province has gone to hell, so it's a local call."


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for Canadians
PostPosted: September 3rd, 2016, 12:40 pm 
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Location: Sunny Wasaga Beach
How to wash a cat

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the
water in the bowl...

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You
may need to stand on the lid.

4. At this point the cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind
the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'Power-Wash' and
rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no
people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift
the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and
run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Yours Sincerely,
The Dog!

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes for canadian
PostPosted: September 3rd, 2016, 7:53 pm 
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Posts: 825
Location: Toronto Beach(es)
dani wrote:
Once upon a time, there was a king who wanted to go fishing.

He contacted the royal meteorologist and demanded the weather forecast for the next several hours.

The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So, the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way, he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in a very short time a huge rainstorm will hit this area. The king replied politely, “Thank you for your concern, however, I just contacted the royal meteorologist whom I hold in the highest regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional who provided me with a different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked, and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once! Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain. “So the king hired the donkey. And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government, and occupy its highest and most influential positions and for that reason the donkey has become the symbol for the Democrat party.

Thus ends your history lesson for today.



So, as a Canadian, this leaves me really confused, because there's no bigger ass than Donald Trump!


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